(No laughing at my teeth, that was back before I got Invisalign!) I was about 5’4 then and 18 years old.

I just figured I would post this as proof (mostly for myself) that I once did actually have a BMI of around 20. And at the time, that was high for me, as usually throughout my teens it stayed between 15.4 and 18.9. (Yeah, I was always naturally skinny until turning 18 or so. Then I was [mostly] naturally normal-sized until late 2006/early 2007. Now I’m unnaturally overweight. Still.

I have half a mind not to post on this blog until I’ve lost about 20 more pounds.

By the way, for anyone wondering, I still haven’t worked up the courage or desire to eat beef! :O

It’s funny that I found the soup, because it fit the recommended specifications pretty perfectly. I was advised to eat beef in a soup without potatoes. And personally, I refuse to eat anything other than organic beef. So, this was mostly perfect… and it was the only soup in the entire soup aisle of Whole Foods that actually had beef in it! The only thing I don’t like is that it has some sort of pasta in it as well.

Ah well.

I doubt I’ll get a chance to eat it until next week some time. This weekend, I have a spiritual meditation retreat up in Missouri (yay!!!) And on Sunday after the session ends, I’m heading down to Branson to see a friend for a couple of days.

In other diet news, I am not currently following any specific plan. Probably between 1500-2000 calories per day at the moment. Like I said in my last post, I’m just sick of dieting and calories and regimes. I have however started back up on the exercise. In the past few days, I’ve been doing a pretty intense bike workout on my stationary bike for 30-45 minutes. It’s actually helped my energy levels immensely. This weekend I will likely get a little walking in at the retreat and very light but wholesome, high vibrational food. From Sunday evening to Tuesday, I’ll probably do a lot of walking down in Branson with my friend, weather providing. The food down there is terrible (for anyone who likes organic, healthy food), but I’ll see what I can do. My hotel room will have a fridge and microwave, at least! I’ll probably bring some organic Fuji apples along. They are my current favorite.

Well, sad to say, my dear readers, the vegan thing just didn’t work out. Again.

Instead of beating myself up and feeling guilty (which I’ve done for far too much of my life), I have to just admit that vegan eating (even 99%) – and even vegetarian eating – just ain’t working for me.

During the few weeks I did accomplish ’99% vegan eating’, I had a LOT of digestive issues, including constant tummy bloating, gas, etc. My weight has now actually went UP, despite the lack of appetite and fasting from earlier this month!

I have come to the conclusion that something is very wrong.

So, I went back to my holistic doctor and she did some muscle testing and other stuff on me. Suffice it is to say, my body was quite clear: it wants red meat again. It needs it, in small quantities. Wheat is no good for me. I simply cannot digest soy, no matter how bad I want to or how many darn digestive enzymes I take!! Grains halt my weight loss in general. I’m just not tolerating many foods these days.

My body appears to want fresh fruits, steamed veggies (which I have been giving it more of the past few days), small bits of red meat, some fish, and… who knows what else? Which is what, the equivalent of the Paleo diet?

To be honest, I am a bit fed up with the food thing and wish I could just exist on fresh fruit juice until it all gets sorted out.

To be fair, my weight also isn’t dropping for another (spiritual) reason. When that doctor does her special brand of muscle testing, we test to find out causes and if they relate to physical, mental, emotional and/or spiritual issues. Blocked “Spiritual Passion” kept coming up as to the cause of my weight issues (among the food stuff). So I have to meditate on that for a while and see if I can get some answers.

I was never overweight until age 27ish/28. I’m 34 now. I’ve had it!

I’m very close to just forgetting about the red meat ban altogether and start eating beef again. (Note: I will never eat pork again, no matter what). If it will help whatever deficiency I have, I think I am willing to do it.

For those that don’t know, I haven’t eaten red meat in over 3 years!

I love cows so much, they are such gentle, spiritual creatures. Just spend some time with cows that are treated kindly and lovingly and you’ll see. But I’m tired of not being healthy. I’m tired of being tired from carrying around extra weight. I’m tired of trying to lose weight and getting nowhere. I’m tired of going vegan and having a huge stomach from indigestible foods. (Yes I know about proper food combining, and even that doesn’t work). I’m tired of trying vegetarianism and craving tons and tons of dairy, to make up for the protein loss (or whatever it is that I need that I don’t get).

Furthermore, I’m the blood type O Negative. Red meat is highly recommended for this blood type. Beans, grains and dairy are not. (Not surprising!)

I apologize to all the veggies who read this blog. No offense intended to anyone. I am simply frustrated. I am very aware that most of this post is just one giant excuse. I still love animals so much and feel so connected to them. So you can understand why this is difficult for me.

Anyway, that’s all I have for now. I’ll update again soon and let you all know if I decided to add (organic) beef back into my diet. It was recommended to have just a little, twice a week for two months. We’ll see…

So here is the truth: Yeah, I want to be thin. Yeah, I want to be healthy. I’m already getting more male attention when I run out to the store and yes, I am very much enjoying it. Part of me doesn’t mind at all that lack of appetite and very little eating is getting the job done. But I do know this kind of thing doesn’t last forever with me – I’ve gone through it (periods where I eat barely anything and drop weight) before and likely will again. I honestly think it’s a cleansing of some sort.

Anyway, in the future I will be a lot more honest with myself (and everyone else) before writing up a post on here. In regards to food, yesterday I ate more than I have in a while, and unfortunately I am feeling ill as a result. There are a few other factors that may be involved with my sick feeling though.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Technically, this should be a most exciting time for me (super fast weight loss & no appetite and all), but it is not. I just simply don’t care about food, diet and/or losing weight right now. Honestly – after the many years I put into theskinnywebsite.com and related pursuits – I probably should care. But I just don’t right now. At all.

However, none of my clothing looks good on me right now. I have probably lost more than 10 pounds in the past couple of weeks. Everything is falling off of me right now.

Should I care? Do I care? My answers are ‘no’ to both questions.

I am, however, curious as to where this all will go. We shall see…

Has anyone else gone through this? If so, I’d love to hear your experiences.

Anyway, that’s what is going on with me right now! I can tell I’ve lost some weight by the way my clothes are fitting. The funniest thing is that I simply don’t care, at all. There are other things going on in my life not related to food and/or diet that are more interesting. The way I feel right now, I could just do away with food, diet and body image forever. Maybe I will.

To anyone reading this who binge eats and wants desperately to break the habit, here is something I learned that might be of use to you: Binge eating certain foods (especially dairy, sugar and/or fatty foods) brings immense amounts of comfort to us, both emotionally and physically. In a world where everything is ever-changing, many of us rely on that one comfort we know we can find in food. The only way I’m finding to break the habit is by experimenting with making myself uncomfortable. For instance, the spiritual purifications I’ve been doing every day are not always comfortable. Sure, a nice hot bath is wonderful, but forcing yourself to stay in for a full hour isn’t always fun. Sitting near fire for an hour at a time can also become very uncomfortable. (I’m not talking about sitting close enough to burn yourself – just the act of sitting in one place for an hour is difficult at first). But through doing these things (and more) every single day, I am learning within myself that I don’t always have to be comfortable. The more I allow myself to be in uncomfortable situations, the more I see that I don’t have to comfort myself with food. Exercise is a great example of this as well – it’s hardly comfortable (until you get into a groove, then it starts feeling amazing!)

Anyway, moving on… I’m back in Arizona, enjoying the beautiful desert and mountains, until the 20th or 21st. I plan to get a lot of walking and earth purification in while here. I have to take care of my front and back yard here (watering the trees, weeding, etc) and it is so cleansing and enjoyable. Every time I’m in nature, I wonder how I went so long without it. My place in Tulsa is about as non-nature as it gets. All the windows face east, so there is limited natural light for the apartment. I have to turn on lights from about 2pm onward. But here in Sedona, there are windows throughout facing all different directions, so a lot of natural light gets in. There are often bunnies hopping around in the back or front yard, plus birds all over the place, and it’s really nice.

So far today I’ve had oatmeal, coffee (my Keurig machine is here and I couldn’t resist!) and a peanut butter sandwich. Later I’m planning to grill up some portobello mushrooms, steam some cauliflower and maybe have some brown rice. Maybe some Boca fake chicken nuggets. We’ll see.

So from here on out it will be called the “Meat & Dairy Free” eating plan!

The past couple of days were very difficult detox-wise. I felt weak, shaky and tired both days. Today has been a little better. I also had to start dry body-brushing, because my skin was SO itchy. Since the skin is one of the body’s favorite methods of detoxing, it can become itchy (no matter how many showers and baths you take). Once I started the dry body brushing, the itchiness pretty much went away.

One issue I am having is difficulty in digestion… which has been an ongoing issue in my life since I was born, unfortunately. All the fiber in the fruit, veggies, legumes and grains is causing my stomach to bloat out hours after eating. I’m taking digestive enzymes and know that the issue will resolve once my body gets used to healthy food again. It has improved slowly over the past few days. Green smoothies in particular are very hard for my body to digest! I seem to look pregnant for a couple hours after drinking them. :/

But the benefits of this eating plan outweigh the rest… my skin looks better, my flexibility has already improved 100%, my body is slimming down (all bloating except for my tummy has markedly improved) and my taste buds are clearing up nicely! Meaning, all the fruits and veggies taste absolutely heavenly! Mmmm. I swear, steamed cauliflower and champagne mangoes are the yummiest foods on the planet. Oh, and fresh squeezed orange juice. This is the best benefit of eating super clean foods: you start loving and craving them.

I’ve also been back to meditating and doing concentration exercises daily, so overall, things are improving. It hasn’t been easy though, as there has been some purification of emotions, old thoughts and other things. I am extremely sensitive to people, places and things, which is an issue I am working to resolve. For instance, if I am on the phone with someone who is complaining or irritable, I immediately feel that way myself. Today while I was waiting for my car to be done (I was getting new tires), two people walked into the waiting room, and immediately I could feel some of their energy, which unfortunately was anxiety and restlessness. There are certain meditative visualization methods I’ve been experimenting with to help this issue. We’ll see.

Well, that’s it for now! I appreciate the comments!

Until now…

So, I’m back on a vegan diet. I’m actually on day 5.

Before I go into the diet thing, here’s a general update… I have gone through a lot of changes in the past few months. I know, I always post that. It seems life is a never-ending journey of change and growth! It hasn’t all been fun and much of it was downright miserable to go through. Thankfully however, I can see productive changes in myself. The main one being the way I think of myself and others. That change is pretty darn amazing and I’m still working through it.

Basically, I’ve learned not to judge anyone (including myself) anymore. No matter what. As soon as I notice I am (or someone else is) making a so-called ‘mistake’ or have unpleasant thoughts or emotions, I look at it head on with honesty. This change started a couple of weeks ago – literally in the middle of the night one night when I had terrible insomnia. (Unfortunately my Sedona house is not very conductive to sleeping. More on that some other time!) That night, I was posting on a forum and arguing with some people I considered very ignorant. After a while of that I went back to bed and started wondering why on earth I cared so much about trying to ‘correct’ their thinking.

I can’t remember the exact process, but suddenly I was realizing the real truth of why I cared so much. And it had to do with me needing to be right, and me having to be the one to have the answers, among other things. That realization led to another one, and I saw a huge part of myself and my ego start to unravel. And for ONCE, I didn’t freak out and judge myself or get mad. I simply watched it and accepted it. It was very interesting and later led to some very enlightening experiences.

I wish I would have known sooner that in order to truly understand something about ourselves or someone else, we just have to look at it – head on – without judgment or fear.

Anyway, I could post more about this, and perhaps I will sometime later.

So, back to my diet… I have decided that once and for all, it is time to stop making excuses and just get my body (and mind) into shape and health. Seriously. I have the time and resources and now finally the inner drive! I’ve been dieting on and off for years and years, and I’ve had enough. So about seven days ago, (after a sort-of spiritual awakening), I developed a very strong inner certainty that what I was about to embark on was serious and would produce the changes I have so long wanted.

There is one change with this new project compared to all the times I went on diets before. First off, my diet has been AWFUL. My past month or so on and off the road has led me into eating tons of cheese, dairy and even fast food. Candy, etc. (I would have a few days here or there where I ate well, but they were few and far between). However, since I began this project (on March 26th), I have done just a little in the right direction each day, instead of just trying to do it all at once. The first day, I allowed myself to eat and drink whatever I wanted. But I paid close attention to what I was eating, how it made me feel and why. The second day, I cut back just a little on the unhealthy stuff. The third day, I switched over to vegan eating but allowed myself any amount of vegan ‘junk’ food I wanted.

And this slow improvement has continued! Each day I have cleaned up my diet just a little bit more, adding more water, fruits, veggies, etc. (I even stopped drinking enough water over the past couple of months!) I’m slowly getting my portions back to normal and trying different foods I normally wouldn’t eat. I have also started exercising again.

So far it has been a very interesting process, one that I am keeping track of with a diary! Every day gets me a little closer to the very ‘clean’ and healthy vegan diet I want to be on indefinitely. I have some serious detoxing to do, so I’m taking it slow.

Today’s intake has been:

• Green smoothie with orange slices, mango, banana, kiwi, spinach, a dash of flaxseed, spoonful of peanut butter and a strawberry
• Boca meatless chicken nuggets with steamed cauliflower and grilled portobello mushrooms (one of my new favorite meals!)
• 1 cup dandelion root/peppermint tea; 1 cup of honey green lemon tea
• 1 gala apple
• 1 peanut butter sandwich made with organic peanut butter (no palm oil!) and Rudi’s organic 14 Grain bread (seriously my favorite bread ever)

I’m making some brown rice and beans now. I know, this list probably seems like a lot of food, but trust me, it is SO much better than what I was eating in the past few weeks. I’m also back to taking a daily multi-vitamin and digestive enzymes.

Anyway, I have promised countless times to keep this blog better updated, so I’m not going to promise that this time. So I will say instead, I hope you all have had a great weekend! Be back soon!

I’ve been slowly easing back into a healthy eating plan and starting my days with oatmeal and fruit. Today was no exception… I woke up, had a glass of water with two squeezed lemons in it, then some coffee, a large banana and some flax plus oatmeal. I’d like to get into a good healthy routine before leaving for my next road trip, which will be next Tuesday! I’m supposed to drive up to Illinois for a spiritual event for the weekend of the 24th and 25th. It’s going to take a few days to get there but I’ll get to drive through part of Colorado, Iowa and Nebraska, which I haven’t done for years, so I’m looking forward to it.

I’m also planning to go for a walk a little later today.

Anyway, that’s it for now… perhaps later I’ll update with some pictures!