It’s another stiflingly hot day outside! I ran around earlier this morning doing errands, watering the plants at the school and a few other things. Despite the heat I feel fantastic and very joyful and happy.

So far today I have eaten quite sporadically:

• 1 glass of organic carrot juice
• 2 piece of Low Sodium Ezekial toast with Earth Balance vegan butter
• 2 small organic apples
• 1 organic white nectarine

Yesterday was a 100% vegan eating day and it looks like today will be the same. I’m sort of easing myself in without giving it too much thought or fanfare. I find when I think about it too much, it gets difficult and complicated.

I’ve had a breakthrough over the past day or so. One of the benefits of doing daily concentration and meditative exercises is that a person begins to know all of their thoughts. ALL of them. Most people are only aware of the surface of what runs through their mind. There is another layer, a subtle layer, below that level. And then there is the unconscious thoughts that most are unaware of. Anyway, I’ve become more and more aware of my thoughts over the past year (especially in the past 2 months), and I suddenly realized yesterday that all this time, I’ve had a fear of losing weight. So, I delved into the fear a bit to see what the root cause was, and it turns out some of it stems from fear of responsibility & vulnerability. In losing weight, I will be shedding the ‘shield’ around me, so to speak, and it will definitely put me more into contact with people. My life will change dramatically. I will once again start getting regular attention from men and people in general. Part of me fears the responsibility and vulnerability that comes with this!

See, I was never truly overweight until late 2006/early 2007 after I broke up with my boyfriend. I was deeply, deeply scarred after that relationship, plus drinking alcohol and not exercising, so the weight piled on quickly. I basically went ‘into hiding’.

The problem is that I never truly came ‘out’ of hiding, because I hadn’t dealt with the issues that made me go into it in the first place. But I’m dealing with them now, one by one.

People (myself included) wonder why they are sometimes miserable while losing weight. Watch a few episodes of ‘Biggest Loser’ and ‘Heavy’, and you’ll notice that the contestants often cry and/or become very upset or angry. We store our most painful emotions in our excess body fat (and in our body in general), so it makes sense that as we burn off the fat while losing weight, the emotions will also be freed.

I see it over and over and over again in weight loss blogs and diaries: the dieter is upset, crying, angry, etc, and they don’t understand why. If you are reading this and know of someone going through this, pass along the following information to them, it will help them!

I am learning to sit with my emotions as they become released. Instead of ignoring an emotion that comes up, or pretending I’m not having it (which I’m rather good at), or rejecting it, I consciously realize what each emotion is, then allowing myself to feel it. Thankfully the difficult ones come up maybe once every day or so (not constantly, or I’d probably be a basket case). Author Thich Nhat Hanh wrote in several of his books about how to sit with emotions and feel them. His book Savor is definitely worth checking out!

When we allow ourselves to truly feel our unpleasant emotions, they go away SO quickly! It’s quite amazing. Here’s the formula for success:

1. When you start feeling yucky, or upset, or sense that something is ‘off’, pay attention.
2. Next, go somewhere that you can be alone for a bit. You may need to cry, so keep that in mind when selecting a place.
3. Then, identify what emotion is coming through. Pay attention to whatever thoughts are going through your mind, that will give you clues. It may sound crazy, but many people have trouble identifying their emotions. In our society, it’s normal.
4. Breathe in slowly and deeply, and while breathing in, say in your mind, “I am acknowledging ______ (whatever the emotion is)”. Or, “I acknowledge that I feel ____”. Then breathe out slowly, saying in your mind “I embrace ______ (the emotion)”. If you cannot identify the emotion, you can say something like “I acknowledge that I feel bad/terrible”, etc.
5. If you can, intensify the emotion. FEEL it.
6. Repeat this until suddenly you’ll find that the emotion is gone! It goes pretty quickly and dramatically much of the time. Occasionally you will need to sit with the feelings longer. You may need to cry it out, or scream it out, or yell it out. I’ve even laughed out emotions – very unpleasant ones at that. One time when I was releasing some pent up frustration over a specific issue, I literally sat in my car laughing hysterically for about 10 minutes. At the time, I thought I was losing my mind, however, afterward I felt a huge release.
7. If it is a very difficult emotion, you can pray to God or your guardian angels, spirit guides, the archangels, etc, for help. If you cannot figure out what is causing you to overeat or emotionally eat, ask to be shown the cause. You will be shown.
8. Rinse, lather and repeat, as often as necessary.

So, I’m using the above process, among others, to release the fears and emotions within me. It’s been an interesting journey so far.

I’ll try and update more about my intake later tonight!