Tag Archive for weight issues

04 Sep 2011
Breakfast • Realizations • Weight Issues

Argh! I Have Been Struggling

Hey all! I’m sitting here eating a breakfast of brown rice and berry cereal with almond milk and a banana. I have been refraining from doing a real post here for a few reasons! First of all, as noted in a previous post, I’ve made some astounding realizations about my eating behavior recently. I basically discovered the root cause (or at least a major one) to my ‘disordered’ eating habits. However, unfortunately awareness alone has not healed the issues. In fact, they have increased since I became aware of them. Which makes sense given the truth that ‘that which we focus on grows’. In the past week I’ve had amazing and beautiful spiritual experiences, including a superconscious mind meditation during my metaphysical class the other night, but for some reason my eating issues have increased. Part of me knows that this is happening so that I can be fully aware of what has gone on in my brain for years so that it can be brought out and healed. But this knowledge doesn’t make anything any easier.

I have gone on wonderful nature walks, connected with my inner spirit and soul, had wonderful conversations with friends of a like mind, etc. But then late in the day – for the past several days – I will suddenly start having VERY strong cravings for ice-cream – and we are talking Ben and Jerry’s full fat ice cream. Or overwhelming cheese cravings. (Nothing new to me unfortunately). I have been unable to say no to the cravings. So I give in then feel terrible afterward. I am really afraid that I’ve gained weight back although I am still fitting into smaller clothing. (No scale for the past few days either). It’s strange – even with all the excess fat and sugar intake, my weight is still coming off, which led me to the realization that I shared in the last post.

Since my alcohol drinking days are over – I now have over 100 clean and sober days! – this food issue seems to be one of my last major hurdles to self-mastery. Well, sort of – I do have a couple of other habitual patterns that I’m planning to transform as well. But the food thing is the major one because of all the angst and suffering that it brings.

One reason I haven’t updated here much lately is because I want to be able to offer a solution to others going through this. I want to actually have a solution and focus on it rather than sit and whine about my problems. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore the issue and pretend it’s not happening, like I’ve done on one or two of my other personal blogs in the past. I feel led to tell the whole truth here. I know that by sharing the truth here openly, many readers will be able to relate.

It is said that true ‘mastery’ of anything comes through practice.

So on that note, today I am going to do two things. First of all, I am going to do something I did before, which is to eat lots of apples and drink green tea through the day. That seems to head off cravings very well. Second, I’m going to work on keeping my mind centered, calm and focused on productive things. If and when the cravings start, I’m going to use the discipline I’ve learned through meditation and concentration exercises and continually bring my mind back to things I do want to think about. In the past few days I already tried questioning where the thoughts/cravings were coming from and have figured that out. The knowledge was and is useful, but knowledge alone is not helping the problem. Now it seems the only thing left to do is practice diverting my attention onto other more productive things. I’m going to use my developing visualization skills to focus my attention on who I am becoming rather than harp about who I don’t want to be. (And of course I will stuff myself with fruit and tea until craving subside ).

I will definitely be updating about this here, especially now that I’ve shared honestly about it.

One of the major revelations I had in the past week is that I have been practicing a form of bulimic behavior for years now. No, I do not purge in the way of throwing up or laxatives. My indulgences aren’t big enough to qualify as official binges either. However, this is my behavior: I will overeat or overindulge. Then I’ll feel really guilty about it and either throw out food, or swear off a food group for the next day, or starve for the next day, or something to that effect. I would ‘overeat’ then ‘under eat’ later to make up for it! It hit me like a ton of bricks this week that this is a form of bulimia (just not in the official and diagnosable sense). This realization was VERY eye-opening, especially once I looked up the mental cause for bulimia in Permanent Healing (one of the most amazing books ever). In the metaphysical world, every ailment and illness is caused by a thought pattern or mental attitude. Bulimia’s has to do with feeling the strong need/urge to please others and prove things to others. The healing suggestion for it is to first figure out what YOU want, then work on making it happen for yourself.

When I read this, it was so eye-opening because I had been practicing that mental attitude – the need to please others – for years! I spent five years trying to prove to everyone in the blog world and in real life that I was/am in control of my weight! I know I said I wanted to lose weight in order to be healthy, but there was always the overwhelming thought of wanting to prove my strength to others. I know it sounds so silly, but once again, I’m sure lots of people can relate!

Anyway, it’s been really interesting to see the many causes for my excess weight. I’ve discovered so much over the past few months. It’s really opened my eyes to see the true reasons that so many people are overweight and struggling. We feel so ashamed and think we are gluttonous and greedy. But it’s not that. It goes so much deeper. And there are so many emotions, thoughts, patterns and fear associated with excess weight. The good news is that we can fix these. I’m working on it and am eager to share my journey with others, which is one reason that I am keeping this blog. I also realized recently that I don’t have it all that bad at all! My highest recorded weight was 182, which is just a couple of pounds into the ‘obese’ category for my height of 5’5. I am nowhere near that number now but have this ridiculous fear that my weight will shoot back up there.

Feel free to leave comments if any of you can relate! I will definitely continue to update about my progress with these issues. :)

It’s a gorgeous cool day out (in the 70′s – wow!) and I am going to go for a long walk at the park.

Rian | 3 comments | Tags: , , ,
01 Sep 2011
Realizations • Weight Issues

The Most Important Thing I’ve Realized About Weight

One can go on every diet in the universe, restrict calories, carbs and fats, and/or exercise until they are blue in the face for hours per day. But the weight problem will never, ever be truly solved until the real problem and issues are found, faced and healed.

:)

The problem has always been within, and the answer can also be found within, for everyone!

Rian | One comment | Tags: , ,
17 Jul 2011
Breakfast • Weight Issues

Sunday Update & Not Getting Satiated On Vegan Food?

For some reason I woke up today with little to no appetite. This was my intended breakfast (along with my usual cup of Keurig-made dark roast coffee), but I only finished about half of each item:

Coconut Milk yogurt and banana

Last night I was very emotional, all over the place, perhaps because of the full moon. I started getting really upset over my weight and dietary intake. (This is one area unfortunately where my ego still has free reign – since it doesn’t have much free reign in many other areas of my life anymore, it will attack here like crazy). And so I fell into the same pattern with vegan eating that I have over and over and over again, which is: overeating. A truth I hate to face while eating vegan is that I never, ever seem to be satiated. I’ll have two servings of pasta (or more!), or 3 pieces of bread, or heaps of rice, then bread and later some other vegan snack, etc. I have found it to be mostly impossible to eat lightly on my 100% vegan days. And this is why the scale goes up while I’m doing 100% vegan. And this is why I keep ‘failing’ on the vegan diet, because I refuse to allow the scale to go up any more when I am already overweight.

It’s frustrating, because during a time early last week when I was eating foods like chicken, tuna and cottage cheese, I was easily able to keep my portions small. My favorite light meal of 1% organic cottage cheese with blueberries and steamed spinach on the side was totally satiating and satisfying and only like 120 calories at most! Yet last night I had some pasta, and 2 servings later I was still ‘hungry’.

I’m not sure what to do about the situation. Yes, I know my weight will continue to drop as I deal with my emotional issues, however, I know I have to put in a real effort with my food as well and stay consistent.

And so, my friends, this entire issue is the #1 reason I have struggled with staying on a vegan diet.

I don’t know what the solution is other than praying, so I did a lot of that last night. I woke up this morning feeling at peace, so I’m going to cultivate that as I go through the day.

If there are any vegan (or ‘mostly’ vegan) people out there with suggestions on satiating and healthy organic foods, please let me know! I would love to hear from you. I do plan to add in some non-vegan foods today, perhaps a vitatop muffin and salmon or ocean perch for dinner. (Due to some intuitive advice received earlier this week, I stopped taking iodine supplements, so I’m due to eat some fish or seaweed today. To see the reason I was taking iodine supplements in the first place, click here).

Anyway, I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday!

Rian | 11 comments | Tags: , , , ,
16 Jul 2011
Food Intake • Weight Issues

Carrot Juice & And How To Release Stored Emotions

It’s another stiflingly hot day outside! I ran around earlier this morning doing errands, watering the plants at the school and a few other things. Despite the heat I feel fantastic and very joyful and happy.

So far today I have eaten quite sporadically:

  • 1 glass of organic carrot juice
  • 2 piece of Low Sodium Ezekial toast with Earth Balance vegan butter
  • 2 small organic apples
  • 1 organic white nectarine

Yesterday was a 100% vegan eating day and it looks like today will be the same. I’m sort of easing myself in without giving it too much thought or fanfare. I find when I think about it too much, it gets difficult and complicated.

I’ve had a breakthrough over the past day or so. One of the benefits of doing daily concentration and meditative exercises is that a person begins to know all of their thoughts. ALL of them. Most people are only aware of the surface of what runs through their mind. There is another layer, a subtle layer, below that level. And then there is the unconscious thoughts that most are unaware of. Anyway, I’ve become more and more aware of my thoughts over the past year (especially in the past 2 months), and I suddenly realized yesterday that all this time, I’ve had a fear of losing weight. So, I delved into the fear a bit to see what the root cause was, and it turns out some of it stems from fear of responsibility & vulnerability. In losing weight, I will be shedding the ‘shield’ around me, so to speak, and it will definitely put me more into contact with people. My life will change dramatically. I will once again start getting regular attention from men and people in general. Part of me fears the responsibility and vulnerability that comes with this!

See, I was never truly overweight until late 2006/early 2007 after I broke up with my boyfriend. I was deeply, deeply scarred after that relationship, plus drinking alcohol and not exercising, so the weight piled on quickly. I basically went ‘into hiding’.

The problem is that I never truly came ‘out’ of hiding, because I hadn’t dealt with the issues that made me go into it in the first place. But I’m dealing with them now, one by one.

People (myself included) wonder why they are sometimes miserable while losing weight. Watch a few episodes of ‘Biggest Loser’ and ‘Heavy’, and you’ll notice that the contestants often cry and/or become very upset or angry. We store our most painful emotions in our excess body fat (and in our body in general), so it makes sense that as we burn off the fat while losing weight, the emotions will also be freed.

I see it over and over and over again in weight loss blogs and diaries: the dieter is upset, crying, angry, etc, and they don’t understand why. If you are reading this and know of someone going through this, pass along the following information to them, it will help them!

I am learning to sit with my emotions as they become released. Instead of ignoring an emotion that comes up, or pretending I’m not having it (which I’m rather good at), or rejecting it, I consciously realize what each emotion is, then allowing myself to feel it. Thankfully the difficult ones come up maybe once every day or so (not constantly, or I’d probably be a basket case). Author Thich Nhat Hanh wrote in several of his books about how to sit with emotions and feel them. His book Savor is definitely worth checking out!

When we allow ourselves to truly feel our unpleasant emotions, they go away SO quickly! It’s quite amazing. Here’s the formula for success:

  1. When you start feeling yucky, or upset, or sense that something is ‘off’, pay attention.
  2. Next, go somewhere that you can be alone for a bit. You may need to cry, so keep that in mind when selecting a place.
  3. Then, identify what emotion is coming through. Pay attention to whatever thoughts are going through your mind, that will give you clues. It may sound crazy, but many people have trouble identifying their emotions. In our society, it’s normal.
  4. Breathe in slowly and deeply, and while breathing in, say in your mind, “I am acknowledging ______ (whatever the emotion is)”. Or, “I acknowledge that I feel ____”. Then breathe out slowly, saying in your mind “I embrace ______ (the emotion)”. If you cannot identify the emotion, you can say something like “I acknowledge that I feel bad/terrible”, etc.
  5. If you can, intensify the emotion. FEEL it.
  6. Repeat this until suddenly you’ll find that the emotion is gone! It goes pretty quickly and dramatically much of the time. Occasionally you will need to sit with the feelings longer. You may need to cry it out, or scream it out, or yell it out. I’ve even laughed out emotions – very unpleasant ones at that. One time when I was releasing some pent up frustration over a specific issue, I literally sat in my car laughing hysterically for about 10 minutes. At the time, I thought I was losing my mind, however, afterward I felt a huge release.
  7. If it is a very difficult emotion, you can pray to God or your guardian angels, spirit guides, the archangels, etc, for help. If you cannot figure out what is causing you to overeat or emotionally eat, ask to be shown the cause. You will be shown.
  8. Rinse, lather and repeat, as often as necessary.

So, I’m using the above process, among others, to release the fears and emotions within me. It’s been an interesting journey so far.

I’ll try and update more about my intake later tonight!

Rian | 2 comments | Tags: , , , , , , ,