I finished my fruit fast! It was amazing. I will definitely be going on another one sometime soon.

So, I’ve checked my weight again this morning and I’m currently 41.8 pounds from my ultimate weight goal. That weight will put my BMI squarely at 20. Currently my BMI is 26.9. (My highest BMI ever was 30.3). I am somewhere between a pant size 8 and 10 in USA sizes.

Speaking of numbers, I’ve decided to be more open on this blog about my numbers and diet. While on one hand I do not want to focus on numbers, at the same time, I know if I really want to get to my goal weight and absolutely healthiest body – which I do – some focus and real effort needs to be put into it and I need to keep track of where I’m at. Of course I’m also adding in some hearty visualization and positive affirmations.

One of the things I’m learning about weight loss and body fat is that the real work needs to occur within. (I know I’ve mentioned this more than once on this blog). There is always a mental reason why someone is overweight and overeats. This is why when people only focus on the physical – dieting, exercise, etc – they often put the weight back on. The long term success rate of dieting is dismal, to say the least! It’s because we need to go to the root of the learning and cause at hand.

In my own case, there are a couple of reasons for the excess weight and difficulty in taking it off: First of all, I’ve been keeping track of what I eat. And for the most part, I don’t really eat THAT much. (Most of the time it’s less than 2000 calories). I’ve had a sluggish thyroid and a strong inner need to protect myself. I realized last week that I have kept myself from a distance from people for years, because it feels safer. I haven’t liked getting too close to anyone (even physically, I would back away from people sometimes). I put on the majority of my weight after a painful breakup in 2007. Somewhere in my mind, I had determined that people were unsafe. So I put a literal and figurative wall around myself, through overeating and alcohol.

Then when I tried to ‘fix’ the problem with dieting and/or exercise, I failed every single time. Because the real problems within were not being addressed!

Anyway, I had a bit of a breakthrough while talking to my metaphysics teacher last week. When I admitted to her that I don’t like being close to most people and could feel an invisible barrier between me and others, she congratulated me for finally acknowledging the issue (which apparently many could see in me but didn’t choose to tell me about! Grr. lol). Since then, some of that barrier and fear of people has dissolved. Actually, much of it. There has definitely been progress made in recent days.

So, does this mean the weight is just dropping off? Not really. (Well, I did lose about 4 or 5 pounds during the fruit fast). For me, there is more… I’ve had a sluggish metabolism and (sometimes inflamed thyroid) thyroid , which I’ve learned was caused from of a lack of expressing and sharing my true inner Self. Which really goes along with my fear of opening up and being close to people. I was keeping people at arm’s length in every way possible and kept my real inner Self hidden away.

Now I’m taking steps to share my true inner Self, and while at times it is frightening, at the same time, it’s exhilarating and joyful. I’m finding when I am totally real and authentic and sharing what I know to be true joyfully and openly, it is the most amazing experience ever! I literally light up, both inside and out.

Another learning that is associated with my own weight ‘situation’ is following through on things. This was one area I was definitely not living up to my full (or even partial) potential. However, through completing the three day fruit fast, I proved to myself that I really can follow through, even when the going gets tough.

And I’m talking about following through in all areas of my life. Often times I would agree to do something or meet someone, etc, then back out or cancel. Somehow it has been a strong pattern over my life. I’m aware of it and have begun working on it carefully over the past few weeks. And trust me, this has NOT been easy! Sometimes I will create plans with someone and then not want to go for whatever reason. However, I’ve been basically forcing myself to follow through. On everything. And it’s been interesting. The great thing is that my teacher is aware of this learning and she is encouraging me and not letting me make excuses for not attending events. I realize when I do actually follow through on the things I didn’t feel like doing, something really enjoyable happens when I do it anyway. It appears I had been blocking myself from enjoyable experiences by canceling plans and gatherings.

Not anymore!

Anyway, I’m going to keep an eye on what I eat for a while and make an effort to keep myself to a disciplined calorie limit. I’m also going to continue with the inner work. I’ll keep you all updated on the progress. Right now it’s time to go take a shower and get ready… I have some Craniosacral therapy scheduled for noon today with that holistic doctor I’ve been seeing.